Smart people on the web -- they must be smart as they get paid by the word and words are easy to come by. These smart folk tell me I need to start this page with my “Elevator Pitch.” A term which makes me uneasy, unhappy, and, well… it’s just uncouth.

Instead, I’ll tell you a story.

The elevator closes and Little Johnny muscles his way free from his frazzled mom. Giggling like a hyena who downed 40 double-shots of espresso, he punches every button from L to 20 before mommy apologetically returns him to arm-jail amid his protests.

“Well,” I say, “Looks like we got a sec. My name is Larry. I’m a failed writer, successful husband and father, and a good Manager. I have nothing to sell you. No words of wisdom. I didn’t cure cancer, but I've been witness to it.

“I won’t be able to save your soul. I’m very much in doubt about my own. But I do have some skills to offer.

“I’ve been troubleshooting and fixing data and devices all my life. I specialize in data now because it’s a lot easier to haul 60 databases on your laptop than run patch cables, lift servers on to the top of the rack, or remember which RAID is which.

“I’m a Data Analyst and Support Manager for a major financial consulting firm. I train clients on our software and my team members on how to setup and fix it. I even helped design major parts of our software (the ones that work).

“I assist sales with Demos of the software that highlight the company, not the software. Oh, and I do a mean Webinar for our clients while putting out fires.

“You didn’t think I could just take 3 hours off without someone tracking me down?

“‘I’m presenting in a webinar.’ I say. They say, ‘But the sky has fallen and we need…’ Yeah. Good times.

“Where was I? Oh yeah. Long story short… TOO LATE! Yeah, I love that movie too. The point is, I’m a VERY versatile player. I love making things work. And I’m happy to help if you need data worked over or just a laugh to get you through the 3AM push to get the update out.

“Ah… This is my floor. Here’s my card. And I hope you have a good day. Don’t forget to smile at Johnny. He’ll feel good and it will drive his mom nuts.”

Now you understand the, "Failed Writer," part. :)